History Part 1

History: noun

1. one that is finished or done for (Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 2023)

The title may not reach many people but for the ones who find it thank you. This is a story or HISTORY about my page name. Mental illness is a destroyer of all. Impairs the ability to live but forces you to live at the same times. We call ourself damaged only to let evil win but, we not it's not true. In the words of the late Maya Angelou "No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow."

Fuzzy Peace

I am letting go and becoming at peace with my past. I'm becoming at peace with the fact that I can't control everything (that one still hurts a little *perfectionist much*). I'm learning my triggers, and being aware of my mood swings. I want to be a better me that I know I can be. You want to know what my life is really like, why I keep to myself, angry all the time, moods swings for months. The story behind the brown eyes you thought you knew. I well I going to tell you. Don't be hurt by the things you read.

April 7,1998, 1:04 p.m. The day I was born. Just cheeks, smiles, and chunky as I could be. No-one would told me that life was a bitch to live in. I'm not talking about today's latest gossip of "Our Proud State" but personal sicken experience. As a little girl it's about barbies and princess. Teenage it's society. Adult it's just down right life. No-one talks about the past that hunts you. There's nothing about the damage it can/could cause. But jokes, secrets, and everyone's favorite saying "swept under the rug". I have experienced, learned, and restrained many things in my life some I am ashamed. Yet I still management to stand, breathe, and walk everyday. Many have lost their lives to the similar battle myself struggles with daily nonetheless, I continue to fight.

When you're a kid, thinking isn't a priority, it's about trouble being in the house before the streets lights come on, calling pass nine because it's free, and just being outside playing with your friends or cousins. I did all that and some more. However but what I heard, and seen was a different story. I was a middle kid of sorts. The youngest and oldest of my cousins and oldest to my siblings. I was an outside kid, running and rolling down hills through fresh cut grass. Chasing butterflies and catching fireflies. Oh yes, I was her the tomboy chubby kid who curiosity got the best of her in the wrong way possible.

You tell your kids to watch out for strangers but what about family. What about what happens behind closed doors. The secrets and stories' that a family past hold. The corruption that alone could cause. People say that we should be kind and respectfully but don't realize it starts at home. It always does. We teach and learn from what is around us, majority of the time is family. Learn what you shouldn't , develop what you hate. As a child I always wonder off where I felt SAFE, but stayed close where FEAR was present. You never thought fear would be a relative. That damage would be my path. Pain would ..... I've lived with this trauma for almost 20 years and I am able to finally feel comfortable enough to speak on it.

I remember good times as a child but I remember the bad the most. The wet beds and nightmares. Years I spent ashamed for still sleeping with a night light. It wasn't even for "monsters under my bed" but for the demons that will haunt me until I'm cold. I've let them win long enough. Lies, pain, tears, those secrets. Secrets that could shake a state. All this time I thought it was me, it was just my imagination, stories that a child should never make up.

After all these years of fighting and suffering in silence, I'm finally telling my story. A story that I should have told in the beginning. The words that you will read may shock some others will struggle to wrap the mind around. This will be an intense read if you don't feel comfortable stop reading. People don't really know you until you have a conversation with them. You'd be amazed of how many stories I've witnessed and heard. I may no longer be still friends with these people but I have gained such so many lessons along the way.. I say gain because we encounter some many faces, souls, and energies that we don't notice what we gained from those we've lost along the way. Each individual that I've meet in life has either helped or destroyed me in every kind of way.

****

I never thought I would come face to face with it so early. Hell I didn't even know what I was looking at. As a child what whose every you watching says goes, no ifs and buts about it. Then you have curiosity what always gets us in trouble at a young age. Don't go to sleep or you're to afraid to miss something. A deal was made but neither option was a good option. Do you really think I know at the age of six I would know what porn is? No of course not, I was a hardheaded ass outside child. Allergic to grass but had to be rolling down hills at my dad's house. Couldn't be outside after dark with my other cousins because I had to stay in the house until it was time to go. I loved sweets and homemade food, I loved to go out to eat but never strayed to far that I couldn't be seen. I was that kid that was afraid to take two steps away.

Bedtime, where my choices in sexuality is explained. Again I spare the details, I'm just here to tell my story, of course, there's always everybody side. It's late, give your hand.... Why? Just do it but don't tell. Okay,... what are you doing with my hand? Be quiet you'll wake them up! It continued for a weekends. I still sit and wonder the purpose when you could've just don't it yourself.

I just saw you in the living watching it. You seemed startled beg me not to tell. I was a snitch when I was a kid ironic what about this changed me to where I didn't. Why can't we close the door? Cuz we'll get in trouble. Confused yet, yup me to, but stay with me. That girl blonde hair skinny spread across the screen. Same Tv Show that was on in the living room. I'll spare you the rest don't worry it's not horrific but it did scar. Why now? Why do you want to speak out now? Uhm,.... Cuz I can. That's It, That's All.

~Journal Entry #1~

What would it take for us to feel like us?

Let me rephrase... what would it take for the woman screaming inside to be released?

The person I miss, I want to be, the girl I used to be. Better yet the woman I should've become from the beginning.

Does it ever get better? Does the feeling go away? I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE! But is that I'm missing? These highs and lows are draining and now that I'm aware of them makes me even more crazy.

So, how do I shut it off?

Manifest, pray, mediate, believe I've done it all.

I JUST WANT TO BREATHE! Never understood what the hype was about to do certain things. Never really understood a lot of things honestly. I went with the flow until it goes wrong. It usually does.

What would it take to stay on one level? To wake up and really mean that I'm okay. To actually believe my own words I tell people. Yeah I'm fine, nah I'm good, it's was okay...

So many things I want to do. Some many plans so little faith.

I think I've fallen hard enough once to know what rock bottom looks like. Yet half of me still stays there, stuck at the bottom lost.

Fighting for life is nothing compare to fighting with your own demons.